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Down to the wire
I wanted water but I’ll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes to take me even higher
Then I’ll come through like I do
When the world keeps testing me, testing me
-John Mayer, “Vultures”

So, I’ve been under a weight the past few days. God, a boulder. The weight of the world, of my past, present, and future pinning me to the point I could hardly breathe, and not a soul around to share the burden. Alone. Alone. Alone. Lonely.

But, I woke up this morning, and decided that I am not that person. I refuse to be. I’ve never met an obstacle I haven’t been able to overcome, and I’m not starting now. Mahatma Ghandi said, “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” I’m adopting that as my personal mantra.

As for the alone, well, as long as I’m reaching out, I will not be alone.

Listening to (surprise) John Mayer’s Continuum, because I can’t get Dreaming With A Broken Heart out of my head.

I have no profound reflections to share, no provocative revelations, not even any good jokes. Today has been about moments: this morning, watching the pink, early morning sunlight reflect off of a ‘66 Mustang convertible with the dew just drying on its hood; an expression of surprise, then laughter and a hug from a friend; the warmth of the sun on the nape of my neck as I stepped outside the door at lunch.

I’ve felt more of the world than in it today; watching, but not seen. There is something very freeing about feeling inconspicuous.

I walked through campus at lunch today, immersed in form and color, without distraction. The sky is the intense blue that makes you wish for a grassy field in which to lie and stare in to the faraway (to borrow Georgia’s term) until you find something you know must be there. Only a few, tiny valiant clouds dare traverse that awesome sea of blue. And the greens–every one is out, from palest chartreuse to cool, deep forest, as if to put on one last brilliant display before autumn limits their numbers. The yellow sun is immediately warm on your skin, but a cool breeze polices its heat, preventing any uncomfortable loitering. The light plays in the leaves, wraps itself around the campus buildings, and spotlights the bumblebees busy with the last of the summer flowers.

(I don’t understand sunglasses. Why would anyone wish to miss this? So, I have freckles and when I smile, my eyes do too. Small price to pay for extraordinary colors.)

I’ll be gallery hopping tonight, looking at other moments captured (hopefully). Perhaps I’ll have time to capture a few of my own this weekend.

“The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.” - Ashley Montagu

Listening to once: Music from the Motion Picture (go see it; the music and the story are both passionate and phenomenal)

I’ve been in Las Vegas for the past few days, which has little to do with my topic other than the fact that I’ve been there by myself, sans family or friends, and frequently, alone with my thoughts. What an excellent time to blog! Yes, I thought so too, and even composed several posts in my head while walking through airports, admiring the many colorful personalities on the Las Vegas strip, and lying in bed, completely confused by the three-hour time difference. However, none of them quite made it from initial concept to keyboard to completion.

Instead, I find myself returning to the idea of friendship. I find myself at a stage in my life when building friendships of some permenance seems to be a real goal. And perhaps, letting go of the ones which aren’t really friendships at all, which cause more pain than growth, may be appropriate.

“Friendship isn’t reciprocal” is a phrase I’ve found myself using with friends who feel they owe me for something (not that I’m some great benefactor; I share what I can when I can). And I don’t expect repayment for warm chocolate cookies or a special book that I know someone will enjoy; a card, a funny gift, or something that I know will brighten a day. However, lately I’ve been facing some personal challenges of my own, and I could really use some support in kind. But, I have apparently managed to collect a group of friends who now believe they owe me nothing, including said support. Okay, that was a bit melodramatic. Sorry. Perhaps it is the time change speaking. Perhaps it is too much time in my own head. Maybe it’s just the gray skies outside.