Monday, October 29th, 2007
i feel like i’m about to disappear
Archive for October, 2007
Three Words
Tuesday, October 16th, 2007Regarding Regret
Monday, October 15th, 2007It has been on my mind frequently over the past few weeks. Regret. Even the word itself brings a frown, like “brussel sprouts” or “tax audit.”
re gret: a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc. The common dictionary definition doesn’t begin to infer the damage we do to ourselves reliving the choices we’ve made, for better or worse, throughout our lives. Interestingly, opinions seem to be mixed on whether regret is detrimental or beneficial to our growth and development as human beings. Jonathan Larson, the composer and writer of Rent, said, “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.” Wise words from one who barely had time to live himself. Then again, Henry David Thoreau saw regrets as entities to be embraced: ”Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Rita Mero, an ex-wrestler and author, expressed the attitude I agree with most (on paper) regarding regret: “I have no regrets in my life. I think that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person.” In practice, it’s not always easy to see the bigger picture when you are in the middle of the composition. Even harder is watching someone you care about in pain, struggling with the past.
I have regrets. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. I’m working on resolving or at least learning to coexist with most of them. Some are easier than others. Twelve years ago, I got married when I shouldn’t have. Big regrets? Yes. And no. I sit and watch Audrey and Xander, and can’t imagine life without them. (Okay, there are days when I CAN imagine at least a few days without them.) I ended up in Kentucky instead of New York or Palo Alto. Regrets? Well, yeah. However, the Kentucky sunrise is so lovely every morning…and like pulling a screen print gradient, each pull of the squeegee brings a different sky, with a foreground of trees and leaves in silhouette. I have been fortunate to meet some extraordinary people along the path I’ve travelled, however unwillingly or unwittingly, which makes those regrets a little easier to bear.
My final thought on regret: if I believe that God has a plan for my life, should I allow regret to be a part of it? Should I not instead focus on faith, trust that each choice, each change is for a reason? Very difficult for someone who prefers to “lean on my own understanding.” Note to self: be still and know.
Listening to Jason Mraz (Thanks, Ryan)